Know Your Stars: Acceleracers
by Sabrielle-X
Summary: Just the Know your stars guy torturing everyone from the acceleracers.
1. Monkey

**For those of you who don't know, the All That Know Your Stars stage is basically a stage (duhh!) that is completely dark except for a movie director style chair in a spot light. You get it? Ok, our first victim is **

**Monkey McClurg. Isn't it fun torturing your favorite TV shows? **

Its quiet on the Know Your Stars Stage. I, the Know Your Stars Guy, am waiting for my first victim. He should be here any minute now.

Right on cue, Monkey McClurg comes bursting through the door.

"Pork Chop, ya wanned to meet me?" he yells.

Monkey: "That's weird. There's no one here."

I decide to start.

KYSG: "Know your stars…"

Monkey: "Whaa! Who said that?"

KYSG: "You may call me the Know Your Stars Guy. Now sit down."

Monkey: "uhh, why?"

KYSG: "Just do it!"

Monkey: "Okay, okay I'm doing it strange, disembodied voice."

KYSG: "Thank you. Know. Monkey McClurg. He still rides a tricycle."

Monkey: "What the hell? Look, this is stupid. Where is Pork Chop? He said he wanted to meet me here."

KYSG: "Monkey McClurg. He only joined the Metal Maniacs out of depression."

Monkey: "Depression! Of What!"

KYSG: "Of being kicked out of ballet school!"

Monkey: "Hey no one knows about that! Have you been reading my diary?"

Wylde: "Monkey has a DIARY! Man I gotta see this!"

KYSG: "You mean it's actually true? You were kicked out of ballet school? You actually joined ballet school?"

Monkey: "Err, noooo. Uhh, heh heh. Noo. No. What makes you think that?"

KYSG: "Rrright. Anyway. Monkey McClurg. His name used to be Michelle, if you know what I mean."

Pork Chop: "MONKEY MAN IS A TRANS!"

Monkey: "No! Pork Chop don't listen to it its just a !$#!$#!-ing liar!"

KYSG: "Interesting vocabulary. Anyways. Monkey McClurg. He sometimes dresses up as a girl and goes to the mall to try on dresses to refresh his memories of the old days.

Monkey: "FOR THE LAST TIME! I AM NOT A TRANS!

Taro: "Hey guys. What's up?"

Wylde: "The random voice says Monkey is a trans!"

Taro: "What! Seriously! You know, now that you mention it, he does act like a girl sometimes."

Monkey: "You cant be serious! You're supposed to be my friends!"

Tork: "who acts like a girl?"

Monkey: "Tork! Man am I glad to see you! Could you pleaser explain to these idiots that I am NOT a trans!"

Tork: "you're a trans?"

Monkey: " No! that's what I'm trying to tell everyone!"

KYSG: "Monkey McClurg. He has a photo of Lani Tam under his and drools on it at night!"

Lani comes out from back stage somewhere and slaps Monkey, yells "you are such a #$!" And walks off stage.

Monkey: "Now look what you've done!"

KYSG: "oh yes blame _me_ for trying to make a living!"

Monkey: "you get paid for this?"

KYSG: "Maybe I do maybe I don't."

Monkey: "Who pays you?"

Taro: "Aren't we a little of the subject?"

KYSG: "Monkey McClurg. His robot makes small children cry."

Monkey: "little kids love Sparky!"

KYSG: "Monkey McClurg. Whenever he takes hi socks off, half the population dies. The other half needs immediate medical attention on their nostrils.

Monkey just stands there with his mouth hanging open while the maniacs laugh.

KYSG: "Trying to catch flies Monkey? Monkey McClurg. He really likes eating bugs."

Monkey: "What the hell is going on here! I'm going now."

Monkey tries to get up but realizes he is chained to the chair.

KYSG: "Now you know Monkey/Michelle McClurg.

Monkey: "no they don't! they know nothing! I'm not a ballerina I'm a mechanic! And-

Monkey stops talking because the security guard puts his hand over his mouth and drags him away, chair and all.

The other Metal Maniacs just stare then Pork Chop says

"he seems upset"

Wylde: "Gee, ya think?"


	2. Kurt and Wylde

**This is only my second fan fic so please review and tell me if I'm good or if I stink.**

Kurt walks out onto the Know Your Stars stage looking confused.

Kurt: "err what am I doing here? How did I get here? Am I talking to myself?"

Oohhh. My next victim.

KYSG: "that's the first sign of insanity you know."

Kurt: "and now I'm hearing things. I need to see a doctor."

KYSG: "You're not hearing things, idiot, it is I, the Know Your Stars guy."

Kurt: "I should see a psychiatrist while I'm at it. Man. I knew racing against evil robots that in realms that only exist in fairy tales would do things to my head."

KYSG (in childish, five year old throwing a tantrum tone): "YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING THINGS! I AM REAL! I am, I am, I am!"

Kurt: "okay, okay keep your pants on."

Uh oh. This wasn't right. I'm supposed to be the one making people mad not vice versa. But what could I say? I hate people ignoring me. Time to start over . I took a deep breath.

KYSG: "Know your stars…"

Kurt: "huh?"

KYSG: "Kurt Wylde. He practices his smile in front of the mirror."

Kurt: "actually that's Doctor Tezla. I know cos of the time me and some of the other racers micro chipped his room."

Doctor.T: "What did you say Kurt.?"

Kurt: "uhh, never mind."

KYSG: "Kurt Wylde. In his spare time he enjoys knitting and reading self help books."

Kurt: "oookkkaaayy. Someone needs to lay of on the coffee."

KYSG: "I don't drink coffee. My mother doesn't let me."

Kurt: " Mamas boy."

KYSG (Same tone as before): " am not, am not, am not!"

This was not going well. Time to resort to extreme measures.

KYSG: "Kurt Wylde. He is scared of his little brother."

Kurt: "WHAT?"

Aha. Tweaked a nerve.

Kurt: "I am definitely not afraid of Markie! He's my younger brother, for crying out loud!"

Wylde: "what did you say you little piece of !"

Yayyy! Two for the price of one!

KYSG: "Hey, that's no way to talk to your_ elder_brother."

Kurt: "yeah Markie! Show some respect."

Wylde: "you never showed me any respect. Why should I show it to you?"

Kurt: "I'm your older brother! Besides. You hardly ever showed me any respect at all!"

Wylde: "say WHAT!"

Kurt: "you heard me. Remember that time Mandy McGinnis invited me to her birthday party and didn't invite you? When I got back Fireman Sam had his head ripped off."

Wylde: "I told you it was the dog! Anyway, you were five! Build a bridge and get over it!"

Kurt: "I was nine _baby_ brother," says Kurt pulling out his cell phone, "we'll see what mom has to say about this."

Wylde: "you're the baby. Bringing mom into this."

KYSG: "Hello? Back to me!

Wylde: "oh put a lid on it!"

Kurt: "you know I actually agree."

Wylde: "all right then I disagree.

Kurt: "on what?"

Wylde: on what we were just arguing about."

Kurt: "you mean the Know Your Stars Guys shutting up?"

Wylde: "yeah! I disagree."

Kurt: "wait a minute. You disagree that the know your stars guy should shut up or you disagree that he shouldn't?"

Wylde: "I'm confused."

KYSG: " you're not the only one. _Sigh._ I guess this is as far as we're gonna get. Now you know Kurt Wylde. Lets hope next time the victim is a little easier to get angry."


	3. Taro

**Thanx so much to KawaiiYamato for reviewing. Thanx for letting me know script format isn't used. Back to the story now!**

In my own two hands, I am holding an envelope. And in that envelope (that I am holding in my own two hands), there is the name of the next Know Your Stars victim. Using my own two hands, I will open this envelope to reveal the name of the person. Ready? Oh damn! I ripped the envelope! Okay. Do we have a Tarok here?...Or an Itano? Brain Blast! Taro Kitano!

Taro walks out onto the stage.

"Yeah. That's me." He says frowning.

"Know your stars…" I begin.

"Know your stars?" he says, frowning even more. "You're that guy who was bugging Monkey right?"

"YAY! You remembered! I feel loved! Like I actually belong. I have to get back to work now, though, so we'll save this emotional reunion for later okay?"

He just shrugs and says "Whatever."

"Taro Kitano. His life's ambition is to become a professional pole dancer. Also to do the cancan with a cane and one of those random red and white hat things."

"Sorry?" he asks looking thoroughly bewildered.

"Taro Kitano. He likes puppies-"

"I don't actually _like_ them-"

"With ICE-CREAM!" I screamed.

"What! I don't eat dogs! Hot dogs, yeah, but not dogs!"

Lani and Karma come out from backstage looking extremely angry. Lani goes up to Taro and slaps him (Lani sure does like slapping in this fic doesn't she?).

"That was for the puppies!" said Karma looking satisfied. They both walk of looking smug.

"Oh man. She hates me." Taro said looking really down.

"Who? It doesn't matter. Taro Kitano. He wears a pony tail, because he likes horses."

"That is so lame." says Taro looking bored.

"Is not!"

"Oh it so is. Hmm, let me see. The Know Your Stars Guy. He's a whining low life, who was so stupid he got kicked out of college and had to resort to mocking people who were superior to him in every way, to make a living."

I snorted. "Superior! You're a street racer! That is probably the most un superior kind of people in the world!"

"I rest my case." Said Taro leaning back in his seat.

I needed to get back in control. What was it he'd said before? She hates me? That's got to mean he has a crush on Lani or Karma!

"Taro Kitano. He has a crush on Lani Tam."

"Lani and I are over." He said flatly.

Then it's gotta be Karma!

"Taro Kitano. He has a crush on-drum roll please-Karma Eiss!"

"No I- well maybe, but- no, of course not-" he splutters.

"Taro Kitano. He spends Friday evenings making collages with different pictures of Karma Eiss. Awww."

"You're really starting to annoy me now," says Taro getting his tongue un-twisted.

"That's what I'm here for peabrain. Taro Kitano. In his wildest day dream, he is married to Karma, lives in a mansion in Florida, has twelve children and- ahhhhhhhhh!

I had to stop, because Taro decide to throw his chair at me.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" I screech at him.

I should say it now, before Taro makes it physically impossible for me to do so.

"Now you know Taro Kitano. I'm the Know Your Stars Guy and-ahhhhhhhhhh!


	4. Lani

In the last chapter, Taro beat up the Know Your Stars Guy. He came out of it with serious (not!) head injuries, a fractured elbow and a broken leg and is know planning on suing Taro for causing him bodily harm. You'd think he would've seen it coming. However, he is now well enough to continue his mockery of the Acceleracers, though the incident with Taro seems to have given him an unnecessary sense of paranoia. This is why we thought he needed an easy target-one that could get angry quite easily. We suggested Nolo Passaro, but the Know Your Stars Guy was worried he would hurt him. We then decided a female with anger issues may boost his confidence so we chose Lani Tam. Over to you Know Your Stars Guy.

"Hey, what do you mean 'female with anger issues' huh? I don't have anger issues! And what was I chosen for anyway?" snaps Lani.

" Um, uh, Kn-Kn-Know Your S-Stars."

"Excuse me? Is this some kind of Astronomy lecture?"

Take a deep breath. Be calm. Don't let her intimidate you.

"Lani T-Tam. She brushes her teeth with e-engine oil." I stuttered.

"So that's why Lani's teeth are so white? I gotta get me some engine oil!" says Monkey. Where the hell'd he come from? Lani just stared at him like he was some kinda retarded idiot.

"What?" he asks, "It's a crime to want white teeth?"

"Lani tam. She's secretly plotting her revenge on Karma Eiss for stealing her boyfriend."

I'm getting the hang of it! I feel the mockery becoming a part of my soul! (I know, that was really random!)

"Hey, no I'm not! Besides Taro is my _ex_-boyfriend. _Ex. _She can have him for all I care. He is such an arrogant jerk."

"Lani Tam. She's had various forms of plastic surgery including liposuction (is that plastic surgery? Man. I really should stop interrupting.) because she was once extremely obese."

"What a friggin liar! You can sooo tell that's not true."

"Lani Tam. Her favorite book is One Hundred and One Ways to Get Revenge On Your Best Friend."

"No it's not! My favorite book is the Secret Garden! And anyway. I bet One Hundred and One Ways To Get Revenge on Your Best Friend's not even a real title!"

"Lani Tam. She's a backstabbing two timer, who enjoys making little children cry!" I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it!

"I'm not a two timer or a back stabber and I love kids! How dare you! you have no right to go around spreading rumors and lies about people!"

"Why not? I get paid! It's the best job in the world! Doing what I love most and getting paid for it. I don't have to lift a finger."

"That's probably because you're injured." Says Lani in an I know more than you voice.

"Sure rub it in why don't you?" I sniffed, "Lani Tam. She thinks she's an absolute genius who knows everything there is to know about cars, computers and racing."

"Well, I do know quite a lot. More than you anyway, though that's not saying much." She smirked.

"Ha ha. Very funny. You're just like the kids at school who always bullied me because I was different."

I spent the next half hour telling her about my childhood. It was only when I'd finished I realized she wasn't listening.

"Hi? Hello? Are you listening?"

There was a sudden movement. "I'm awake!"

"grrrrrr. Lani Tam. Her greatest desire is to take over the world, marry Monkey McClurg and own a porn DVD shop."

"No it's not! Look, who the hell are you? what makes you think I want to do any of these things? LISTEN TO ME!" she yells.

"Now you Know Lani Tam." I'm back! I've got it!

"They know NOTHING about me!" screams Lani. Ahhh. The pleasurable sound of some one losing their temper. I cant believe I lost it for a while. How could I forget a sound of such beauty? So harmonious. So delightful. _sigh_. I'm back. Watch out Nolo Passaro. You're next!


	5. Meet my Mom

**Hello! Sorry it took so long to update! I finally made it! Please review! Also thanks to KawaiiYamato who gave me this idea! **

It's silent on the Know Your Stars stage. All the lights are off, but suddenly they switch on to reveal the director chair with Nolo Passaro squirming in it because he's gagged and chained. But wait! There is another chair next to the normal one! What's this all about, Know Your Stars Guy?

"Hey Narrator Dude! Today we have a special guest coming to join us! Our special guest has known our victim all his life! Ladies and gentlemen give a warm welcome to Mrs. Passaro! Nolo's mother!"

"Mommy?" says Nolo finally freeing himself of the gag.

"Oh Noly!" she says going over to him and giving him a huge hug that almost squeezes the living daylights out of him. Then she lets go and holds out a tray. "I made smores!"

"Mrs. Passaro we are not here to- mmmm this is good!" I say taking a smore.

"It's very easy to make. I'll give you the recipe-" says Nolo's mum.

"Um, excuse me? Yeah I _hate_ to interrupt you but… COULD YOU PLEASE UNTIE ME?!?!" Nolo yells.

"That's my Nolo!" said Mrs Passaro, fondly ruffling his hair. "Always had problems with his anger. Even as a child."

"I DON'T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MY ANGER!!!" Nolo bellowed.

"That's easy to see," I said dryly. "Nolo Passaro. His girlfriend is Lani Tam."

Nolo's mother looks shocked.

"Nolo! You have a girlfriend and you haven't told me?"

Nolo turned an interesting shade of red. "She's not my girlfriend!"

"Nolo, it's okay to have an interest in girls. Do we have to talk about the birds and bees again?"

"NO!!!" Nolo bellows at her. "SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

"What about that friend of yours? What's her name? Karma? She seemed nice! Why don't you ask her out?"

"Because I don't like her like that!"

"Oh, Nolo you don't have to lie to me! I'm your mother!" says Mrs Passaro.

"I'm not lying! Karma is just a friend," says Nolo firmly.

"Oh. Well what about that Lani girl? When am I going to meet her? You know I want to know all your little friends!"

Was this still about me bugging Nolo? I need to turn this around.

"Nolo Passaro. He never tidies his room or changes his underwear." I say.

"Nolo!" gasps his mother. "How many times have I told you that personal hygiene is very important?"

"But Mommy, the guy's lying!" whines Nolo.

"Nope!" says Nolo's mother holding up a finger. "I don't want to hear it! And don't you dare call this nice young man a liar."

Nice young man? No one's ever called me that before! Usually it's just 'You stupid liar,' or 'Wicked wizard of weird' and the ever so popular 'useless idiot.' I'm touched…

"But-" Nolo begins.

"No buts. You're on a very short lead mister. Put one more toe out of line and I'll ground you. Maybe your grandmother was right. Maybe you were too young to leave home."

"Mom, I'm just fine!" Nolo tries to convince his mother. It wasn't working very well.

"I think you're going to have to move in with me, mister," Mrs Passaro was saying. "That way I can keep an eye on you if do anything uncouth."

I cleared my throat. "Nolo Passaro. One night he got drunk and actually _drove_ home."

Nolo's mother gasped and whacked Nolo on the head with her handbag. "What have I told you about drinking and driving? Have you not _seen_ all those advertisements? Driving drunk can _kill. _I didn't know you were that irresponsible Nolo. I thought I raised you better."

"Mommy, yes I was drunk but I got Kurt to drive," Nolo unsuccessfully tries to convince his mother that he wasn't drink driving.

"Oh and he was Drunk too was he?" Nolo's mother asked skeptically.

"No he wasn't!" Nolo insists but Mrs Passaro doesn't believe a word of it.

"And why were you even drinking in the first place?" his mother ranted on. "To think of a son of mine drinking!"

"Nolo Passaro. Sometimes he stays up till after midnight." Well my mom would have a fit if she knew I stayed up later than ten.

"Nolo sleep is very important for growing boys! Why without it-"

She continued to ramble on and on while Nolo tried to convince her that he was no longer a child. Tried and failed.

"And to think! I let Tone convince me you were old enough to leave home! Have I been an irresponsible mother? Oh, where did I go wrong?! And those cars! Always about the cars! How many times must I tell you they are bad for the environment? It's people like you that are slowly killing it. Driving around in your cars, polluting the very air we breathe. How dare you? I thought I raised you better than that!" Nolo's mother lectured.

As much as it kills me to say it I kind of felt sorry for the guy. Oh, well. Better him than me! I grin.

"Now you know Nolo Passaro…and his mother! Join us next time where we'll be trying to make that annoyingly calm Karma crack. See you then!"

I walk off stage leaving a still chained Nolo listening to his mother's lecture. Should I stop her? Naah. She'll stop by herself. Eventually.

**Yay! Finally! Sorry it took so long people. Been really busy lately and my laptop is malfunctioning. I'm getting a new one! Yeah! Oh thanks for giving me the idea for this chappie Kawaii. Next one will be Karma, like you asked:) **


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